Hidden Feelings and Guilt
by Sara's Earliest Works
Summary: Wangst, suicide, and the 'It was all a dream' copout rolled into one. Ouch.


"Hidden feelings and guilt" by Sara Jaye 

Okay, if you thought my last story was sad, you aint seen nothing yet. Xx I came up with this short, dark little piece a few hours ago. I've just been really messed up lately for some reason...I blame it on the terrible hours I've kept the last week (Not sleeping till sunrise, not getting up till 3pm. I actually went to bed at 7am the previous sunday morning. Oo). That, and one of my best friends was depressed and I was not only unable to help, but I kept bringing up my own problems...some friend I am. -- Why is it that every time my friends are depressed, I not only feel terrible, but I end up depressed myself! Oo I swear, I'm not human...no human emphathizes THIS well. At least not to my knowledge... Anyway, I better end this author's note before I get worse. A final note, this is a very dark, depressing story, so...if you're already depressed, I advise you not to read further. Or if you don't want to ruin the great mood you're in. ;;

Disclaimers: Sailor Moon is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and Toei animation. None of the characters belong to me. This story is yaoi, pretty depressing, and rather morbid, so if that kind of thing bothers you, you may want to close this window. Otherwise, enjoy!

He kept running. He didn't care where to, he just had to get away from everything.

From his so-called friends, from the self-absorbed queen who hated him more than the lowliest youma, from his life.

Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing. He'd suspected this for quite awhile now, but just moments ago, it had been confirmed for him. The only glimmer of hope left in his otherwise meaningless life was gone. No one needed to tell him so. He just knew. Kunzite had found out the truth. How he felt. How much he loved him...and he would never speak to him again.

"I knew very well he could never love me. It was foolish of me to even hope so. Now that he knows what I'm really like, that I'm in love with him, he must hate me." Zoisite finally stopped running when he was sure he was far away enough, then sank to the ground, his shoulders heaving with every breath. Hot tears poured down his cheeks. "Whatever I had left to live for is gone...there's no point in continuing anymore." He drew his sword and pointed it towards his chest. "In just one moment...it will all be over...all my pain..." He drew in a deep breath, bringing it closer. Just one more inch-

"Zoisite!"

A loud voice shouting his name caused the sandy-blonde haired man to drop the sword. His head whipped around, and saw a tall, silver-haired man running towards him. Great, Zoisite thought. The person I really don't want to see.

"What in Metallia's name are you doing out here so late, Zoisite?" Kunzite stepped over to the smaller man and rested a hand on his shoulder, but Zoisite shrugged him off and said nothing, just picked up his sword again.

"Zoisite? Are you okay?"

"Why do you care?" Zoisite snapped coldly. And why should he care? Kunzite-sama has more important things to worry about than stupid old me, he thought as he brought the sword back to its previous position, pointing at his chest.

"Zoisite, look...I..want to apologize for my reaction before...when I found your journal...I...was just shocked. I didn't know you felt that way."

"Fine." Zoisite refused to look at the older man, edging the sword closer to his chest. It was then that Kunzite noticed the sword's handle...and what Zoisite was about to do.

"Zoisite!" The silver-haired general was completely shocked. This wasn't like Zoisite. Zoisite seemed more the kind to get revenge on the other person rather than commit suicide. But then again, he'd just realized awhile ago that he didn't know Zoisite at all. Zoisite wasn't just some biting, sarcastic, vindictive person who snapped at everyone. He was a very sensitive, wounded, lonely man who just wanted someone to love him... More specifically, he wanted Kunzite to love him. Unfortunately, Kunzite was still confused about his feelings...but even so, he couldn't let Zoisite kill himself.

"Put down the sword, Zoisite," he said, trying to remain calm.

"No. I don't care anymore. Nothing matters."

"Please..."

"You don't care. You hate me. I know you hate me. Everyone else hates me so why shouldn't you? Just go away..."

"No. I can't leave you alone, Zoisite. Don't do this. It isn't worth it."

"Why?" Kunzite sighed. Enough of this stupid confusion, he thought. It's now or never.

"Because I love you. I don't want you to die." Zoisite blinked. Had he heard Kunzite correctly? He loved him? No. It couldn't be. Why would he?

"You don't mean that." "Of course I do." "You can't mean it. Why would you love me? Why would anyone love me? I'm useless.

"Zoisite, please."

"You don't love me. I know you don't. Now that you know what I'm really like," Zoisite said, his voice beginning to break. "Just leave me alone!" He got up and ran away from the silver-haired man, his sword held at his side.

"Zoisite, wait!" Kunzite shouted, running after the smaller general. He had to catch up with him...he had to stop him before it was too late. 'How could I be so stupid? How could I be so blind?' he thought. Running as fast as he could, he prayed he would get to Zoisite before it was too late... Unfortunately, he couldn't run fast enough. He got to Zoisite alright...just in time to be too late.

"No...!" Zoisite was lying in a crumpled heap on the ground, unmoving. His sword driven into his chest. Kunzite felt sick at the sight of the blood staining the gray jacket of his would-have-been love...

"Oh Zoisite..." he whispered as he fell to his knees beside his companion's body. His silver eyes tearing, he slowly removed the sword from Zoisite's chest and gathered the fallen general in his arms. "I'm so sorry..." he choked, tears running down his face. If only he had told him sooner...if only he had noticed something was wrong...then maybe he would have been able to save Zoisite... But now he was too late.

Kunzite awoke drenched in sweat. His heart raced, pounding so hard he thought it would burst out of his chest.

"It was just a dream..." he whispered, very relieved. Quietly, he got out of bed and slipped down the hall to Zoisite's bedroom. Fortunately, the door was open a bit. He stepped in as quietly as he could, not wanting to disturb Zoisite's sleep. He was even more relieved to see the smaller man's shoulders rise and fall with each breath as he slept. Thank Kami-sama, Kunzite thought as he stood by Zoisite's beside.

"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry, Zoisite..." he whispered, brushing his fingers through Zoisite's ponytail. "I never meant to hurt you in any way." He leaned over and softly kissed Zoisite's forehead before he slipped out of the room. Right then he swore to himself he would tell Zoisite how he felt. The first chance he got the next day. He couldn't let his nightmare come true.

End

I need to get my sleep habits back in check. Then maybe I won't end up writing this kind of stuff. ;;; Anyway...I swear, my next story will be lighter than this one. Ja ne!


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